Transitions... the grey area between two definging phases of life. And of course, I'm faced with potentially life altering decisions to make in the midst of instability.
I don't feel pulled in different directions as much as I feel the heaviness of my security. Each decision I make can make or break relationships which strangely seem to be the most dynamic and "unimportant" aspects of my young life. To Be, or Not to Be...
And why again should I have an answer for that question? A few moons ago I was open to what/whomever the Universe provided. I was feeling lonely, feelin my "swag", and feelin like I deserved more. And more arrived in my life in the form of sistas. I guess confidence is detectable. For so long, I played the quiet role. Much to the disbelief of quality sistas...one asked me, "why [I] wasn't [swimming] with the earthy chicks," in the abundant land of Atlanta. My best answer came from our literal interaction...hearts are fragile/male energy is "confirming," leading, and the decision maker. So, I was smartly avoiding female contact in both body and soul. The little taste I'd received of my own heart's longing made me no stranger to the swell of emotions that come from meeting a "potential," but no more prepared to be the "busy one" with little time for a commitment.
I surprised myself.
From the Grey Anatomy of the man I'm becoming, I find both flaw, virtue, and flavas. I seldom address the needs of my loins and safely so. When I decide its time for me to be affectionate it is a confusing matter. Hearts are undoubetdly in the mix, so a departure from my norms to satisfy my soul involves duality.
In short, I can be the "bad guy." But, there is so much good in me, in my intentions, in my focus, that I'll risk - not every person on this earth singing praises to God for me. I have to accept and am accepting some people are just not for me and that's okay. Some interactions are flawed no matter the intention. Physical intimacy outside of a committed relationship is totally grey.
I've learned from enough conversations from sistas that this grey area can easily lead to unbalanced emotional outpourings. I'll try to be my best...If I fall short.
Blame me. Forgive me. Hear me.
But, a brotha on his way will be highly sought after... I'm sure its just begun.
So, to my future self, be prepared... what you do today with ultimately change tomorrow.
(picking up my nut$z)
And I'm interested in the future
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Saltwater Taffy
I was stretchin out... spreading my wild side just before hunkering down for school. I thought it would be fun, ya know? Just have a lil look around.Maybe make a new friend in the process. Aquaintence was our only refuge. She with a mouth full of pizzaz, me drippin artistic/earth tone business casual...the stuff dreams are made of - but I didn't really know it. I was just hangin out to dry... expecting Grad school to be the most UNEVENTFUL period of my social life. Then this familiar sound cought my ear. That ol skool Baduizm - the exact flavor I craved and scoured the professional scene for - naturals, african prints, or ankh earrings... some remnant of The Motherland still bustin' out the seams of some young professional.
Afro-Classy / Sophistican ? (not sure if they have a term for it yet, but I call it sexy)
I was just about cool with everything, packing my unrequited emotions up and moving to Florida with a chip on my shoulder and a future in the balance with every exam... my dreams resting until I assumed my final professional title of Doc of Physical Therapy - then (and only then) might I have a chance to date and be taken seriously ... then and only then might I reunite with the ghost of Christmas past and actually release the scrooge plaguing my hetero-sexuallity.
I was pretty much optimistically opting out of an emotional anything before this ol lady (32) walked into my life.
Rollercoasters and taffy seem to mix, usually the taffy is best after the ride - in this case there was taffy both before and after the wild ride. We spoke on the phone and flirted. We composed letters and mailed them. Then we scheduled a date. The date lasted all weekend and before you start salivating for x-rated details, I'll tell you it wasn't my best work at all. I think it was a combination of EVERYTHING - the timing, my past decision to move with a clear conscience and heart, the stubborn unrequited pacemaker, and the sheer speed of sexual tension oozing even Stevie Wonder got-down... It got me, I broke character and thought: She's cool, familiar, she's diggin me, why not let her help with that hump in-ya back? Tru she was gettin a lil attached VERY EARLY (2months of chatting/ letters) and her "HEART WAS IN IT," but she was a big girl right? Older able to handle a lil weekend excursion and keep it movin the way it was.
I had a window seat on my flight and returned home happy.
Then, the roller coaster cought up with the taffy. I think she got sick of all the sugar. Sugar cane sweet tooth but, mine wasn't for sale. I offer samples of taffy... a lil somethin for after life's wild rides. Hopefully, what I offer now is satisfying.
I really had no idea I was more than a sweet treat to you. I still don't know what to do... I understand your frustration...I hope you understand mine. You've earned a place in my blog and that, miss lady is no-small feat.
My heart lives in prose.
Taffy! Taffy! Makes you happy, It's not a meal, but sure makes you happy!
Afro-Classy / Sophistican ? (not sure if they have a term for it yet, but I call it sexy)
I was just about cool with everything, packing my unrequited emotions up and moving to Florida with a chip on my shoulder and a future in the balance with every exam... my dreams resting until I assumed my final professional title of Doc of Physical Therapy - then (and only then) might I have a chance to date and be taken seriously ... then and only then might I reunite with the ghost of Christmas past and actually release the scrooge plaguing my hetero-sexuallity.
I was pretty much optimistically opting out of an emotional anything before this ol lady (32) walked into my life.
Rollercoasters and taffy seem to mix, usually the taffy is best after the ride - in this case there was taffy both before and after the wild ride. We spoke on the phone and flirted. We composed letters and mailed them. Then we scheduled a date. The date lasted all weekend and before you start salivating for x-rated details, I'll tell you it wasn't my best work at all. I think it was a combination of EVERYTHING - the timing, my past decision to move with a clear conscience and heart, the stubborn unrequited pacemaker, and the sheer speed of sexual tension oozing even Stevie Wonder got-down... It got me, I broke character and thought: She's cool, familiar, she's diggin me, why not let her help with that hump in-ya back? Tru she was gettin a lil attached VERY EARLY (2months of chatting/ letters) and her "HEART WAS IN IT," but she was a big girl right? Older able to handle a lil weekend excursion and keep it movin the way it was.
I had a window seat on my flight and returned home happy.
Then, the roller coaster cought up with the taffy. I think she got sick of all the sugar. Sugar cane sweet tooth but, mine wasn't for sale. I offer samples of taffy... a lil somethin for after life's wild rides. Hopefully, what I offer now is satisfying.
I really had no idea I was more than a sweet treat to you. I still don't know what to do... I understand your frustration...I hope you understand mine. You've earned a place in my blog and that, miss lady is no-small feat.
My heart lives in prose.
Taffy! Taffy! Makes you happy, It's not a meal, but sure makes you happy!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Young Fly the Future
When I started this blog, my heart was heavy to express. There was a story inside of me I felt the need to archive. Because of the nature of this story, its vast significance, the depth my own feelings, and the sweeping changes occurring rapidly in my life I had to let out at least a little of what was inside of me.
GNM- once described it as a "male pregnancy," an inner child gestating... this allusion is close to describing what happens when I fall in love. I feel an overwhelming desire to protect the infantile feelings living, even breathing inside of me. At all costs, I seek affirmation about my feelings - and worlds respond. Music is its main vehicle. I admit to being led by an unseen force. Saying to myself, "You are just hoping," is the ledge of my emotions... I have no idea and no solid evidence that I am not chasing a dream. Yet, the point of my entire blog is to expose some of the promise living inside of me-of her.
Women in my present don't really hear about you...I don't even mention your name that often. For some reason I think you hear when your name is mentioned... its a risk my pride won't let me take - you knowing how much I care by speaking your name... it does seem a little silly at this point to still feel the need to protect - but I do.
Tea- Lotus Blossom, a present vision of mine, says she read this blog in its entirety... I wonder if she understands that I started this blog to protect my inner child, to archive my first cosmic journey, my innervisions of love...
-oddly enuff she demands a commitment from me; something I can't give for at least three reasons. 1. I'm going to PT School and I can't take her demanding nature to such a personal investment stage of my life. 2. I'm still protecting my inner child, and 3. The Future is still before me.
Love is about the future. The now is so fleeting, that physical contact may even be more of an illusion than the vaporous feelings...
To Dr.Hopkins, I salute you! You have me thinking I can live again and maybe one day be ready for another child, my first inner child. Even you compete with my past as an example of Divine Focus in the Black Female... and I love that! I do not know what your role will be in my life...and I smile at the prospects of a better tomorrow.
For now, I hope this explains my current situation more clearly. There is tremendous sacrifice attached. Believe it or not it keeps me out the streets, chasing random women, and constantly looking inside and outside for any signal confirming my place on the path towards...
young fly the future
*YFF also references an ATLANTA rapper ... good kid, lots of talent...needs diverse forms of guidance.
GNM- once described it as a "male pregnancy," an inner child gestating... this allusion is close to describing what happens when I fall in love. I feel an overwhelming desire to protect the infantile feelings living, even breathing inside of me. At all costs, I seek affirmation about my feelings - and worlds respond. Music is its main vehicle. I admit to being led by an unseen force. Saying to myself, "You are just hoping," is the ledge of my emotions... I have no idea and no solid evidence that I am not chasing a dream. Yet, the point of my entire blog is to expose some of the promise living inside of me-of her.
Women in my present don't really hear about you...I don't even mention your name that often. For some reason I think you hear when your name is mentioned... its a risk my pride won't let me take - you knowing how much I care by speaking your name... it does seem a little silly at this point to still feel the need to protect - but I do.
Tea- Lotus Blossom, a present vision of mine, says she read this blog in its entirety... I wonder if she understands that I started this blog to protect my inner child, to archive my first cosmic journey, my innervisions of love...
-oddly enuff she demands a commitment from me; something I can't give for at least three reasons. 1. I'm going to PT School and I can't take her demanding nature to such a personal investment stage of my life. 2. I'm still protecting my inner child, and 3. The Future is still before me.
Love is about the future. The now is so fleeting, that physical contact may even be more of an illusion than the vaporous feelings...
To Dr.Hopkins, I salute you! You have me thinking I can live again and maybe one day be ready for another child, my first inner child. Even you compete with my past as an example of Divine Focus in the Black Female... and I love that! I do not know what your role will be in my life...and I smile at the prospects of a better tomorrow.
For now, I hope this explains my current situation more clearly. There is tremendous sacrifice attached. Believe it or not it keeps me out the streets, chasing random women, and constantly looking inside and outside for any signal confirming my place on the path towards...
young fly the future
*YFF also references an ATLANTA rapper ... good kid, lots of talent...needs diverse forms of guidance.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Bowl
Not even crumbs, I noticed. Like a wayward gale swept the last of my favorite granola just as my eyes caught sparkling bits of honey over the tasty conglomerate. "It must have been really good granola," a friend quipped. My favorite foods are just that.
Monday, March 1, 2010
In-Flight Granola
The view from my window seat was fantastic.
A light unto my weekend's pathway outta town.
"Just to look around," I jet setted to our Nation's Capital for a weekend away from
the city of Atlantis. Distance and departure make my heart grow fonder. Though I set out to make nu-dreams reality, I end up missing what's left behind. So, with that in mind, I'll come back to the middle...with the spirit of india.arie and erykah badu warming my soul in the final days of February.
The window seat was a supreme gift. Reflecting the latest single from Erykah, I enjoyed the short flight, filled with excitement, yet relaxed as thick clouds sauntered below us. I was to spend the weekend visiting with friends and making up for "lost timeless" with Crunchy Granola.
DC. I arrived about an hour later than expected, but the flight was cool and the snacks of pretzels, Biscoff, and cranberry juice fed my hunder for Crunchy Granola.
Crunchy Granola is one of my favorite foods, but don't tell, Soul Food, Jamaican, or Thai!
CG - a memory from Hampton, a recent reintroduction in Atlanta, and au-natural letters in between. Though spur-of-the moment, this trip was an unexpected departure from my conservative ways. I packed light, and feasted on good food, good tunes, and great times all weekend!
I learned not to judge Granola by texture. See, its all about taste and the lasting satisfaction that comes from a yummy snack. I wonder how snacks feel about us eating them from time to time? Are snacks envious of full course meals? Are they okay with being the pick-me-up when time is short? I can't seem to ask granola about that... Conversations feel one-sided. Still, I reach for some crunchy granola when its close and I'm hungry.
Granola and I go back. I remember being a boyscout trailmixing north Georgia. She was with me in Europe. What I love most is her desire to hear my stories! Being the sharing-is-caring type, I love telling stories of my life.
With that, I offer my blog readers some of what I'll tell Crunchy Granola
over our next meeting:
Please don't search for your smile's cessation
let it linger longer lasting
nu dreams
take shape before me unfolding
kaleidoscope pixels of reality
and it tastes like music
spicy beans and rice
straight from de island
slice some mango for me
feel alright
now and then curry time with jamaica tea
can u hear flavors of she
echoing off clustered clouds
with sun in his reign over drops of shade?
i sip some water
eagerly, patiently
drinking moments
spun dizzy gillespie
spat laughter all over me
jazz riffs in da Matrix.
Crunch Crunch! Be-Bop Pop Rocks
Hip Hop Don't Stop Crushin School Girls
loving being the pressure between my teeth
Maybe she will still miss me, when I'm eating bites of reality
my sweet treat, so good for me
mommy first served me
healthy living
I feast on Crunchy Granola through the week
(I need someone to clap for me, I need someone to miss me)
Come Back...
A light unto my weekend's pathway outta town.
"Just to look around," I jet setted to our Nation's Capital for a weekend away from
the city of Atlantis. Distance and departure make my heart grow fonder. Though I set out to make nu-dreams reality, I end up missing what's left behind. So, with that in mind, I'll come back to the middle...with the spirit of india.arie and erykah badu warming my soul in the final days of February.
The window seat was a supreme gift. Reflecting the latest single from Erykah, I enjoyed the short flight, filled with excitement, yet relaxed as thick clouds sauntered below us. I was to spend the weekend visiting with friends and making up for "lost timeless" with Crunchy Granola.
DC. I arrived about an hour later than expected, but the flight was cool and the snacks of pretzels, Biscoff, and cranberry juice fed my hunder for Crunchy Granola.
Crunchy Granola is one of my favorite foods, but don't tell, Soul Food, Jamaican, or Thai!
CG - a memory from Hampton, a recent reintroduction in Atlanta, and au-natural letters in between. Though spur-of-the moment, this trip was an unexpected departure from my conservative ways. I packed light, and feasted on good food, good tunes, and great times all weekend!
I learned not to judge Granola by texture. See, its all about taste and the lasting satisfaction that comes from a yummy snack. I wonder how snacks feel about us eating them from time to time? Are snacks envious of full course meals? Are they okay with being the pick-me-up when time is short? I can't seem to ask granola about that... Conversations feel one-sided. Still, I reach for some crunchy granola when its close and I'm hungry.
Granola and I go back. I remember being a boyscout trailmixing north Georgia. She was with me in Europe. What I love most is her desire to hear my stories! Being the sharing-is-caring type, I love telling stories of my life.
With that, I offer my blog readers some of what I'll tell Crunchy Granola
over our next meeting:
Please don't search for your smile's cessation
let it linger longer lasting
nu dreams
take shape before me unfolding
kaleidoscope pixels of reality
and it tastes like music
spicy beans and rice
straight from de island
slice some mango for me
feel alright
now and then curry time with jamaica tea
can u hear flavors of she
echoing off clustered clouds
with sun in his reign over drops of shade?
i sip some water
eagerly, patiently
drinking moments
spun dizzy gillespie
spat laughter all over me
jazz riffs in da Matrix.
Crunch Crunch! Be-Bop Pop Rocks
Hip Hop Don't Stop Crushin School Girls
loving being the pressure between my teeth
Maybe she will still miss me, when I'm eating bites of reality
my sweet treat, so good for me
mommy first served me
healthy living
I feast on Crunchy Granola through the week
(I need someone to clap for me, I need someone to miss me)
Come Back...
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